It has been almost three weeks since I said goodbye to my Miniature Schnauzer, Milo, and I’ve only told four people that he has passed away. In all that I’ve learned about grief, I have accepted that whatever I’m doing, however I’m doing it, and with whom I choose to share the sadness… it’s fine. It’s exactly right.
Even though we were prepared for his death, and at sixteen years old, it was the appropriate course of action, my heart still aches for the simple reason that loving this dog was my first time experiencing the responsibility and sacred honor of being a mother. The circumstances in which we found each other are so bizarre and funny, and maybe there will be a time to share, but today it is fitting to acknowledge the complexity of this day in May.
Before Milo, I was emotionally safe and sound in my own self-absorbed pursuits, but the truth is, being in relationship with others puts us at risk for loss. Isn’t that one of life’s most confounding realities?
In relationship with others, we are walking a tightrope across a deep canyon of human emotion with love on one side of the tension and loss on the other.
Each of those relationships can look so different, and I think that’s what makes Mother’s Day so tricky. Every single person reading this will have a different reaction to the idea of Mother’s Day, from anger, to regret, to grief, to unspeakable joy, gratitude, curiosity, and frustration.
Thinking about Milo on this day feels appropriate as I hear my children rumbling around and the puppy’s nails screeching across the floor above me. Milo is the one that brought me out onto that tightrope as a mother, and he paved the way for many years of selflessness and sacrifice for others. He also comforted me when I fought with my own mother and in times when I struggled to see the bigger picture of what relationships could look like.
For those of you who are celebrating, I celebrate with you. For those of you longing with grief or even anticipation, I feel that ache. For those of you who are angry, I know how intense that can feel. Be curious about what else is there with the anger. If today is nothing else for you, then I wish you the warmest, springtime day with some fresh air and hopefully something that feels like a treat, whether that’s a tasty iced coffee, a long hike by yourself or just time spent feeling what you need to feel.
—by NC Hardy