It’s been a year. We’ve been saying that collectively, for the past couple of years, it seems. For some people, though, it actually has been a literal year. Anniversaries are significant and we often celebrate joyful anniversaries like birthdays and weddings, usually marveling at the passing of time and all that has happened in a year. It’s an exciting time of growth and possibility. What a thrill to live and to celebrate with the people we love and who love us!
Except... if it’s not any of those things.
It has been a year since your loved one died. It has been a year since you lost your job. It has been a year since you moved away from friends and into your new life. A year since the rape, the conviction, the diagnosis, the break-up, the deportation, the arrest, the relapse, the miscarriage, the car accident…
“You were unsure which pain is worse -- the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.” -Simon Van Booy, Everything Beautiful Began After
When you’re marking the passing of time following a painful life event, a gray filter is imprinted upon every eerie anniversary that passes and sometimes it can be hard to take the next breath because the pain is so intense. This kind of pain can show up in expected circumstances (for example, the birthday of a loved one who has passed away), and sometimes the grief can sneak up on you, sinking into you without any warning. Sadly, very few of us have the psychological awareness to respond to this emotion with compassion and reflection. Usually, it feels like increasing anxiety, increasing irritability and vigilance, sleep disturbance, or worse. We have no idea why we’re all messed up and everything feels sideways.
Then one day while you are on your way home, you notice the sunset looks the same as it did when ... when that happened. Back then, you were different. Everything was different. Not like now. At this moment, you’re here and you know what you know, regardless of how badly you wish it would fade into distant memory. Those are anniversaries too, and you can expect them to do a number on you with varied intensity, for as long as you live. There won’t be a significant life event that passes without an echo of the loss. Maybe it’s a momentary awareness of a loved one’s absence and maybe it’s a full-blown panic attack accompanied by a grown-up temper tantrum. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?
“Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful.”- L.R. Knost
So, what then? Breathe, that’s it? In a word, yes.
Keep breathing and noticing. This moment (as hard as it is) will eventually be over, and that’s true for the beautiful moments as well. The pain of your anniversary will never fully disappear because it is a part of your story. We breathe, we notice, and we keep breathing. If there comes a time when you’re experiencing trauma from your story, or debilitating anxiety that is preventing you from functioning in your daily life, that would be an appropriate time to reach out to a friend, a mental health professional, or crisis center.
It’s normal, by the way. It’s normal to grieve the changes, the impact, and even the way nothing seems to have changed for the people around you. It’s normal to be angry. It’s normal to feel jealousy, resentment, and abandonment. Grief is complex, and the passing of time can either feel like an act of mercy or a cruel punishment. Start by noticing it and calling it what it is. Protect yourself and loved ones by talking about what’s coming up for you. Do whatever is necessary to prevent engagement in destructive behaviors. These protective measures can provide a soft landing for when the pain passes through and away.
Then you’ll keep breathing and march on to the next year.
We at Ignite are honored to be a part of your healing process. If you are new and wish to schedule a free phone consult, you can do so here.