The importance of friends who stand with you through the worst of life
~ Dave Wyner, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTP, Certified Grief Counseling Specialist | Contract Therapist, Ignite Counseling Colorado
I’m lucky enough to spend a lot of time around horses. If you ask me, the world would be a better place filled with happier people if we all hung out with horses. Of course, spending time with horses also means I pick up horse poop. A lot of it.
But I’ve found that my time with horses, including cleaning up after them, has been an incredibly important part of my own healing. You see, I’m on my own grief journey. If you are too, then you know that there are hard days, and then there are harder days. Often, when I’m having a harder day, I make my way to the ranch. It never fails to amaze me how comforted I am by simply being around the horses; not necessarily even interacting with them; just being near them and walk amongst them is peaceful and restorative.
I remember one particularly tough day when I made my way to the ranch. I said hello to the horses, grabbed a rake and a wheelbarrow and began picking up poop (politely called “mucking”). I hadn’t been at it for long when I felt warm, moist air on the back of my neck. I looked over my shoulder and came face to face with half a ton of curious horse. I think he wandered over to check on my work. But there was more to it that that. It was like he knew I was having a harder day and came over to say, “I’m here with you. You’re not alone.”
Foxhole friends
That moment with my enormous four-legged friend made me think of what I call “foxhole friends.” They’re the friends who rush to jump into the foxhole with you when the loss bombs are falling and the grief bullets are flying. Maybe you already have one of two of these godsends in your life. Maybe you ARE one of them. They’re the diamonds in the muck of life; the people who hold you up when you’re crying so hard you can’t stand, sustain you when you’re too despondent to take care of yourself. They’re the friends who listen without judgment, comfort without advising, and stand at your side when you feel most alone.
No recipes
There isn’t a single magic formula or formal training for being a foxhole friend. Anyone can be one. It doesn’t take special wisdom or the prefect, magic words. It requires courage, patience, and compassion. Mostly, though, it takes presence. A willingness to be there, outside your comfort zone and smack dab in the middle of your friend’s war zone.
There’s also no recipe for finding a foxhole friend. You just know a comrade in arms when you see one; when you feel the grounding, validating presence of someone sharing in your war. It could be a family member, a neighbor, a coworker, or a mere acquaintance. In fact, sometimes the most unexpected people jump into your foxhole. And, sometimes the ones you assumed you’d find standing next to you turn out to be ill equipped for such a perilous mission. That’s never an easy moment. It just plain sucks, and I’ve known friendships to end and family relations to sour because of it. Still, however contrary to our instincts it may feel, I think it’s important not to judge the people who stand safely in the no-fly zone. They’re on their own journeys and, for all we know, they may be fighting their own grief battles. Or maybe our loss bombs remind them too much of their own from which they’re still recovering.
An invitation
Next time you find yourself hunkered down in the war zone of grief, please don’t try to go it alone. I know that sometimes being alone is a necessary part of the journey. It’s just that too often I see people who take that to the extreme and have trouble acknowledging their pain or asking for help.
Reach out to the ones closest to you. Heck, they may beat you to it and jump right into the line of fire. Let them! Of course, even the best foxhole friend isn’t a mind reader. And even the best foxhole friend sometimes stands ready to jump in but choses to honor your need for space. Either way, I say it’s important to let them know what you need. Is it a home-cooked meal? Someone to pick up the kids from soccer practice? Someone to take a walk with? Or maybe you need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. There’s no shame in calling for reinforcements.
If it turns out your go-to person just can’t go there, try not to take it personally. And please don’t stop reaching out for back-up. Instead, turn to somebody else who may be more equipped and willing to go there. Even just one foxhole friend can be a true life-saver.