At the risk of stating the staggeringly obvious, we’re all living through a time of tremendous uncertainty and unprecedented challenges. We’re also all experiencing ongoing losses of all sizes and shapes, and those losses are creating a pervasive sense of grief for many, even if they don’t recognize that they’re grieving.
You’re not alone in your loss
Loss has a tendency to leave us feeling alone and isolated in a world nobody else can possibly understand, and the pandemic only heightens those feelings. But feelings are not always fact. The truth is, you are far from alone in your loss. Many have experienced concrete, specific losses during this time. Tragically, some have lost loved ones to COVID-19. Some are hearing news stories about ventilators, ICU beds, and deaths that trigger unresolved grief over long-ago losses. Others have lost milestones, celebrations, and rituals that leave them with a lack of closure or satisfying transition. Many have lost jobs and livelihoods.
And the losses don’t end there. These days, they seem to compound and become increasingly more abstract. Many of us are troubled by a hard-to-pinpoint sense of loss. It could be the loss of a sense of safety and predictability in your life. Maybe your routines and expectations have been upended or taken from you outright. Your sense of community and connection has been hobbled. You may even feel the loss of your freedom.
We have all lost something.
Can you allow yourself to grieve?
We often don’t realize that what we’re experiencing is grief; the package of thoughts, feelings, and sensations that are the natural response to loss. Our society mistakenly approves of grief only after the death of a loved one, and even then, society tells you to make your grief quiet, short, and tidy; nicely tied up in a bow after your four-day bereavement leave.
Yet, without recognizing and validating the losses other than death and the accompanying grief, we run the risk of languishing in a swamp of unsettling emotions that seem to have no cause or reason. That’s a recipe for deep depression and resignation; the very opposite of a rich, fulfilling, hope-filled life.
That hope starts with acknowledgement. So let’s begin to acknowledge the grief of the moment and start living more fully, authentically human lives not in spite of the losses of our time, but BECAUSE of them.
Your grief could show up in all kinds of ways
I’ll start us off. Wondering why you wake up and go to bed feeling disoriented, unmotivated, or just not like yourself? Those are all common aspects of grief. Feeling out of control? Angry? Anxious? Frustrated or frightened? Grief, grief, grief, grief, and grief. Been getting more headaches, stomachaches, or muscle aches since this whole thing started? Again, common grief-related experiences (but if they’re ongoing, please check with your doctor for any physical causes). Not sleeping? No energy. Yep, that’s what grief can do.
Congratulations. By acknowledging the reality of your losses and your grief, you’ve taken the first step toward walking with the darker, more painful, yet potentially enriching, meaning-filled, life-affirming reality of being human.
But please don’t think it wise or courageous to shelf your newly acknowledged grief and tell yourself you’ll deal with it later. Please also avoid the trap of thinking that you don’t have the right to grieve because you’ve only lost [fill in the blank] when somebody else has lost so much more. Every loss earns you the right, no, the necessity of processing your grief.
Turn toward your grief
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling. Allow yourself, your emotions, and your thoughts to be just where they are without judgment or self-recrimination (and sure as heck don’t let somebody else tell you how to grieve or what is or isn’t a “mature,” “appropriate,” “lady-like,” or “manly” response to loss).
You see, as counterintuitive as this sounds, no matter what you’ve lost, it’s healthier to lean into the loss than to try to run away from it. Despite your best efforts, you simply can’t outrun grief. Grief will always catch up, and the running only exhausts you for the hard work of coping that you’ll still have to do anyway.
Connect with others
One of the most important ways to cope with grief is connecting with other people. Not only is it okay to lean on others when you’re grieving, it’s actually a biological drive that’s been encoded into our nervous systems by millions of years of evolution. Equally important as feeling supported is to be supportive of somebody else. Remember, in this time we’re all dealing with losses of one kind or another. Sharing that very human connection can be a powerful antidote to the loneliness of grief.
Of course, in an ironic twist of fate, the current public health situation makes direct face-to-face connection with others challenging and possibly even unhealthy. But that doesn’t diminish its importance; it just changes what that connection looks like.
Find a supportive person or people with whom you can share your sense of loss in a safe, nonjudgmental atmosphere. That could be a family member, friend, clergy, or a mental health professional. (Pets can be incredibly powerful supports too, but that’s a subject for another time.) Use technology as much as you’re comfortable doing so. Calls, texts, and video chats may not be the ideal way to connect, but they’re a lot healthier than feeling isolated. If you’re comfortable, invite a supportive person over for an outdoor get-together or walk – but definitely follow local public health experts’ advice about in-person contact. Again, while a long, strong hug and a big gathering of friends may be what you’re craving, even being six feet apart from a caring person can go a long way to ease the pain of loss.
Take care of your body, mind, and heart
While connection is critical, all the social support in the world doesn’t diminish the need to take care of yourself. Think of it this way: loss of any kind throws you off balance emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually. It takes tremendous energy for your mind, heart, and nervous system to find a new equilibrium. Grief is exhausting. It drains your batteries. Even the most resilient among us are no Energizer bunnies, and when your batteries are depleted, everything, including dealing with loss, is harder.
So make it a priority to keep your batteries charged by doing things that are good for your body, mind, and heart.
Ways to give your body what it needs
Eat nutritious foods, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep, exercise, and spend time in nature. Take a shower, shave, brush your hair, and get out of your pajamas, even if you’re not planning on going anywhere.
Ways to give your mind what it needs
Stay mentally engaged with work, hobbies, or an intellectual pursuit. Develop new routines that give you some sense of control and predictability. Read books that uplift, educate, or simply distract you. Limit the amount of time you spend watching or reading the news or scrolling through your social media feed.
Ways to give your heart what it needs
Cry and curse when you need to. Explore your spirituality with meditation, prayer, or reading. Find a creative outlet like journaling, painting, woodworking, gardening, or any other way to express what you’re feeling inside.
Each of these steps are simple. None of them are easy. Even in the best of times, grief is a marathon, not a sprint. And right now, the sheer volume of loss and uncertainty brought on by the pandemic can make even the simplest self-care tasks feel like running uphill. In the snow. At night. Allow yourself to feel that way and cut yourself some slack when you feel like you’re not running as fast as you’re “supposed to.” Most importantly, remember, whether you’re running, walking, or dragging yourself along, you’re not in this marathon alone.